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May 31 LifeI thought i'd come by to update my blog,, this is so in a few months time i can come back and read it when things are good in my life.
Recently my husband and I have been through a very bad patch, so much so we even talked about splitting up. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions and i've never experienced what felt like my heart literally breaking.
We so easily take for granted what we have in life and when it comes to the point where you're going to lose it all you suddenly realise that you could have done things differently. I'm sure everything feels the same and i spend time going through all my thoughts and wonder ' what if' 'why didn't i ' ...............I can't change what happened but I can hopefully move forward from all the bad things that have happened and life will seem more worth living.
My mums recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and will have an operation on 11th June. I'm remaining positive for her sake and will support her all the way through it.
Jay my little darlin will soon be 16 yrs old ,,,,,,,,,,,how did he grow up so quick ! he's got exams next week and then we go on holiday on 16th June.............hopefully my mum will come with us to recover near the seaside.
I can't wait to go away, being near the sea is so relaxing, just hearing the sound of the waves makes you feel good.
One thing i do know for sure, i'll never be quite the same person again and that scares me right now.
December 14 Nearly christmas !I can't believe its so close to christmas already, how come its September one minute and the next
its a few weeks !
The past 7 ish weeks I've spent fighting off viruses. I had a particularly bad one going about milton keynes which made me cough for 3 weeks ,,,,,,,, total nightmare ! Then a few weeks ago i got another bug which then ended up making me cough again . So all in all its been a terrible autumn and im looking forward to frost and ice to hopefully kill all the bugs around.
I daren't go out the house at the moment for fear another dreaded bug will catch me before my birthday on saturday and spoil the whole day. I've even gotten my shopping delivered and stayed in as much as I could.
Yesterday I had to go to an appointment with my husband at the hospital and I was so wary of anyone coughing or sneezing,......... I'm getting paranoid I know ,,,,,,,, lol
We break up from home education on 15th December and we have all the christmas decs and tree up now and it looks so good.
I've been getting excited about my birthday , I don't know why , being 40 doesnt really appeal to me at all !
when I was 10 yrs old I thought people of 40 were so old !! hehe I haven't much choice what age I am , so I'm just going to get on with it.
 October 27 Breast cancer awarenessToday is wear it pink day for breast cancer awareness
We hope that you have your outfit ready for ‘wear it pink’on Friday, 27 October. Thank you for your support in helping us raise a huge amount so we can continue researching the cure for breast cancer. We are hoping to raise £2.1 million so you really can make a difference. for more information go to >>http://www.wearitpink.co.uk/
October 22 update October 2006I haven't done a blog in a while so while i thought i'd do an update , if not for anyone else for me to read in the future.
It's the start of half term and this year has gone far too quickly ! I've been going out a more these past few months. I had my mates steve's birthday outing up city centre in september and then it was John's birthday on Friday , plus other random nights out.
Robin has settled down even more to his home education and he now knows all his times tables and alot more maths. We have been doing alot of geography and learning about countries of the world and I have been impressed with the amount he's remember , especially where countries are and their capital cities. I've also enjoyed doing this as alot and have also learnt alot. The next half term we are doing The Egyptian, Romans, celts, Anglo-saxons and the Vikings which will lead us up to the beginning of December, after which we will be doing some nice winding down christmas themes for the last 2 weeks. Last year we made our own crackers and other things, so i'm going to have to get my creative head on to think of some more ideas for this year. We normally put our christmas tree up on the 1st December. as it's our tradition.
The 16th of December will be my birthday and we're hoping to go out for night out to celebrate.
Jay's got even taller lately bless him and he bunked off a lesson one day and I got a phone call telling me he wasn't there. I had to phone him to get him to go back to school, i think he learnt his lesson not to do it again. Tonight he vanished off out when he shouldn't have and came back with a can of fosters ! I know he's going to go through these stages, he didn't even drink all of it , but we didn't make a big deal . We figure if we make it forbidden he'll do it behind our backs anyway. My mum was very good when she brought my sister, brother and I up , she was very fair and i try do things in a similar manner.
Robin has now been on his own to the local shop ! This was so amazing as he always had the attitude 'its a dangerous place outside' , so for him to conquer his fear is a very big step.
Most Saturdays Jay Robin and I go to help my mum out doing a local rugby clubs food for the players and spectators. I don't mind helping when I can watch all those guys legs running about on the field
 It's good as I get to socialize a bit more with people there. It seems strange that 10 mths ago I hardly went out the house or saw anyone outside of our house . It's taken alot of will power and pushing myself more and more as i'd got stuck in a rut with anxiety and lack of confidence. So this year , even through it has flown by , has been one of so much achievement .
http://www.myfilehut.com/userfiles/view/40730/paulanightout.jpg <<< picture of me from a night out in september
this is to be finished when i get some more time ,,,,,,,,,,
August 22 RIP Marc (The_Gay_Dude) ~RIP Marc ~
1/12/1975 -20/8/2006
Yesterday I was saddened to hear that a blogging friend had passed away and I wanted to dedicate todays blog to him , as he was such a special guy and an amazing person.
He touched the lives of so many people and made a difference to their lives. He will be deeply missed. I'm honoured to be on Marcs Memorial site, i feel honoured to have even met him in cyber world and to have our paths cross in a way that has affected my life forever . What makes a person have such a character that people flock to them and to make that difference ? It's nothing you can buy , its nothing you can make happen , in my humble opinion its there from the second you are born ! I know i will be following the websites that talk about him purely coz i miss him being there, i might not comment ,sometimes i don't know what to say coz i still can't believe hes gone. I wish i'd told him more what a special person he was I know i thanked him for making a difference in my life, which i'm glad i told him before his passing or i'd have regretted it so much I wish i'd got to know him more than I had I wish there was more people in this world like him, as it sure would be a better world to live in !. God bless you
July 20 wohooooo nearly summer holidaysThis year has flown by ! can't believe its end of July already !
Robin has done really well and he actually said he'd enjoyed his education time , its taken 20 months to get this far , but its damn well worth all the hard work. I've decided I will have the first 3 weeks of the summers off doing anything to do with education and try and have a good chill out.
I'm so looking forward to a bit of a break and we go on holiday on 5th August for a week to South Wales
 can't wait to get away from milton keynes into the mountains. I've been so busy since beginning of june, firstly my mum went into hospital for a major operation and then she came to stay at our house to recuperate for a few weeks ,,,,,, she amazed me with how she coped with it all. It was nice to have some mother daughter time afterwards which we haven't done since I lived with her ........ then my friends baby was born last week and I got to go into the theatre with her
 . Wow what a day , I was very honoured to be there and watched baby Jayne enter this world and they even dropped the screen so we could see every detail ! I was shocked at this as when I had my son by c -section they hid everything. It's an experience I doubt i'll get again in my lifetime and such a precious moment i'll never forget. I've hardly been out for any fun time
 ,but i did go to bedford for a dontstayin event a couple of weeks ago which was a hardcore night. I'll have to make up for it in August. The song playing *if you can hear it* is the type of music i'm very into at the moment, it's great for motivation on the treadmill  I've been working really hard on the treadmill these past few mths and i've up'd my pace and time ( 60 to 80 mins per day) plus i'm doing some jogging. I'm starting to lose some weight and feel a bit lighter , its very slow but then thats the best way in the long run. As i've got older its been alot harder to lose weight and i won't starve myself to do it , i'd rather do it healthily.
Another 6 months and I'll hit the ripe old age of 40 ! how did it go so quickly ? the last time i thought about my age i was only 34 lol . *mental note* enjoy myself more often as life passes you by too quickly. Before you say *you old cow* remember you'll be my age one day
 Yesterday was the anniversary of our daughter Hannah Lucy going to heaven , she would have been 16 on 15th July. I still wonder what she would have been like , would she have looked more like my husband or me ,would she have been more like Jay or Robin or totally different . Would she have been leaving school or going to work or college ? so many questions never to be answered.
Once you have a child, whether they remain on earth or in heaven they are forever in your heart and never ever forgotten.
Hope anyone that passes by is keeping well , spaces is still being a pain and if anyone has worked out how to add pictures now please let me know, i've tried lots of things but nothing works !
take care
~Paula~
February 21 updateI haven't been around much , spaces seemed to go nuts when they made changes and to be honest I just gave up on it in the end. Only so many failed pages you can cope with !
hope your all well and i'll try and catch up and write some comments in the week
take care
Paula
January 31 January UpdateIt's a month after christmas already and Robin and I well into his project of 'volcanoe's, earthquakes, tsunami's, hurricanes etc '. yesterday we made our very own volcano from a kit we'd brought using plaster and baking powder and a polystyrene volcano, we made so much mess but it was great fun and a great way to learn about them !
Robin now knows his 7 times table off by heart and he can pick them random from memory quicker than we can at times. He's very confident in adding up and taking away very large numbers and his English language has improved alot the past 3 months.
I have been going out alot more on my own lately and my anxiety levels have gone down which is such a relief as I was staying at home alot last october till december which isn't healthy at all.
Sunday 30th January -I had a great night out , out far too late, few too many drinks and lost my voice. ! I went to a trance night up city centre and loud music means u have to shout when your trying to talk. So my voice box has given up . It's been very quiet since monday ! lol
January 12 Back to normalIt's back to normal again and I'm totally back into exercising big time again and it feels great !!! I really appreciate my lungs after having problems with my asthma last oct/nov/dec which prevented me from exercising for weeks. So i'm going to push myself a bit more and hopefully make them even stronger.
Robin started back to home education and he chose his project which is , volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis and other natural disasters. He seems to be really enjoying it.
Wednesday he had his treat day ,so we went to the new asda that opened up before christmas and had lunch in the restaurant. Then we picked up some bread and went to Furzton lake,walked all the way round and fed the ducks. We saw about 6 herons which is a record amount !! Even though it was cold, the sun was shining so strongly which kept us warm.
John my hubby is back to getting up at 6am to bike to the station to get to work. I miss him after so much time at home during christmas and now he's not at home for 12 hrs a day.
Robins ex girlfriend just text him saying ,' rob i love you' , so he sent one back saying 'why did you dump me then?' No reply as yet ! -- She turned into a bit of a bitch and in the end I had to have my say when she blatently lied about him. saying he kept texing and phoning her when I know he didn't . I found a text from her telling him 'phone me or you're dumped !' and when she did dump him via text ,just after she left him at the rugby club , she then sent a text when we got back home saying 'ha your dumped' SO that annnoyed me she was rubbing it in , I was livid ! Then she said I was being nasty to her , I was very nice about it all but obviously she didn't like me finding out she lied !
So I ended up telling her I was taking the phone off him and it all went quiet for over a week !
Bloody females ! how do you guys cope !
 I'm giving my anxiety a good kick in the teeth lately and I've been going out more on my own ! so 'goodbye' anxiety I don't need you anymore ! lol
 Right I'm off to exercise now ! hope you are all well , take care.
January 03 Happy New Year
December 24 Merry Christmas everyone
December 21 Polar bears
December 19 Smile therapy.
I've been doing lots of research into smile therapy recently and apparently a good laugh is as good as taking a dose of antidepressents. It reduces your adrenaline levels , improves respiration and induces muscles to relax ! Plus it's better to laugh for 5 mins than to exercise for 5 hours Taoist sages say that when you smile, your organs release a honey-like secretion which nourishes the whole body..... read more here >>http://www.brant.net/holistique/smile.htm
Lee Evans trio December 16 Robin finds his christmas spirit
December 13 December update
December 06 My christmas project
December 05 Christmas Crafts
November 30 Wookey
November 28 Scientists Face the Fear Gene-new research !
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.I've won only a couple of games though 
I need more practice as I haven't played for about a year. We've just this second decided to get a dart board too ! I used to play darts from 14 yrs old till I was 21 yrs old in a team and got loads of tropheys. I have the chance to play again ,but lack of confidence is stopping me..... its been a long long time since I was 21
. A few months practice and some new darts could help,,,,,,well heres hoping 
. My mum still plays in a team and they're always needing new people. I used to get such a buzz from winning and lots of them remember me by name as I was very respected in the 'darts world' lol 
.(Picture below is the dress i wore, which my mum brought me) Ooooooooo and I got to meet someone I've chatted to on the internet for over 2 years and helped out loads with antivirus, spyware and firewalls.I'd asked Carl how work was going, as he lives in Milton keynes as well and he said he'd be working at this hotel, which just happened to be the same place we were booked to go to for Johns' works night out ! I didn't think much of it , its a big place with a few bars in. BUT who should bring our wine to the table but Carl ! We even recognised each other straight away. Strange how things happen isn't it ! 
So quick.......... heres a few links that I found to help you on your way ! .............or if your interested....... more information on smile therapy >>http://www.healingsociety.org/methods/brclass/br1_03.html
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